Talking openly with children about their adoption and empowering them to do so as well is important both for the child and the relationship; keeping an adoption a secret is never a good idea. However, just knowing that it is the “right” thing to do does not necessarily make it easy. Because children and families come to adoption a myriad of ways, there are many different approaches to conversations on the topic. These conversations can range from joyful and celebratory to painful and scary. This Adoption Advocate aims to provide more information about and support for discussing adoption and telling adoption stories. It begins by considering why it is important to have open communication and honest discussions and then moves to the types of conversations and information-sharing that are appropriate at different developmental stages. Considerations in assisting children with narrating their own stories will also be shared, as well as specific resources that can support the entire story-sharing process.
Why Communication and Honesty Matter
Overview
Honesty and open communication provide an important foundation for any parent-child relationship, and this may be especially true for families formed through adoption. It is now widely accepted that adoption should be discussed openly and in a developmentally appropriate manner, not with a “big reveal” at some point in the child’s life. Open communication allows both the child and family to view adoption in a positive light, not seeing adoption as something shameful that needs to be hidden away. Children, when left without answers to important questions, often create their own narratives or focus exclusively on the negative aspects of their stories. A lack of ability to communicate and share information about their pasts can leave children feeling unsafe and unsupported. Not discussing adoption openly and honestly and keeping it as a type of secret can also make children feel as though they have something to be ashamed of.
Insights from Adult Adoptees
A resource from the Center for Adoption Support and Education (C.A.S.E.) states that adult adoptees are vital educators in sharing the importance of honesty and openness when talking about adoption. Adult adoptees report considerable damage in their relationship with their adoptive parents that occurred as a result of dishonesty. In NCFA’s Adoption Advocate, Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child: Helping Your Child Come to a Strength-Based Understanding of His or Her Life Story, Jayne Schooler shares what can happen when an adoption story is distorted or kept a secret, even with the best of intentions
Research
A growing body of research supports the notion that communication openness in families formed through adoption is associated with more positive outcomes for children. Brodzinsky was one of the first to statements, such as, “I wonder if today is explicitly study communication openness; he reviewed research which found that “Although relatively little research has been conducted on the impact of communication openness in adoption on adoption triad members, the data gathered, to date, generally support the notion that adopted individuals who experience more open, direct, and non-defensive communication about adoption with their parents show more positive adjustment, not just in the childhood years, but even into adulthood” (p. 5). In his own study, Brodzinsky found that more communication openness was associated with higher levels of children’s self-esteem and lower levels of behavior problems reported by parents. Santona and colleagues (2022) discuss the cycle of closed communication that can occur in families formed through adoption, in which adoption is not discussed because parents are waiting for their children to ask questions, and children perceive that their parents do not wish to discuss it. In a study of 537 adopted children and families, they found that “children tended to ask more about their past lives one year after being adopted when their parents had talked about the past and their biological families since the beginning…thus breaking the cycle of closed communication.”
As the cycle of closed communication theory suggests, just because children are not actively asking about their adoption stories does not mean they are not thinking about them. Parents can casually ask questions that may spark conversations or use “I wonder” hard for you because it’s your birth mom’s birthday.” These prompts signal to children that adoption topics are not taboo and, in fact, are welcome to be discussed. Open conversations, in turn, promote connection and trust between children and parents. Children need to know that it is safe to ask questions.